Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Never Ending Exhaustion...

So I seriously thought as my daughter grew older, I would become less tired. As she slept through the night more, didn't need feedings or diaper changes, as she entered school and wore herself out during the day, I naturally assumed my feelings of deep exhaustion would lessen.
I'd be going to bed on a normal schedule, I'd be getting up to get her ready for school, I'd be tired at night so I'd fall asleep better.... I'd do all the things I'd put off for the early years of her life...

As they say though "Don't Assume, it makes and Ass of u and me..." Well maybe it didn't make an ass of you but it made an ass of ME.
I didn't take into consideration the fact that as she grew older so would I!
I didn't think about what turning 38, 39, 40 would do to the inner workings of my body. I am more tired now then I was 8 years ago when she was born.
You wouldn't think that the years between 30 and 40 would make a difference... but THEY DO!

The endless well of energy I had in my college days and after my divorce at age 30 is DRIED UP! I know, everyone gets older and we have to take the good with the bad. Of all the things I enjoy about being 40, the exhaustion is the one that kicks me in the heart the most.

See, I'm a busy body. I love to do things. I love to stay up late working on projects, cleaning house, doing laundry, working out, watching television, reading, researching on the computer... but I also work 9.5 hour days and when I get home at night, after homework or playing with my daughter or the occasional phone call with my dad, I am wiped out tired. I just want to curl up and go to bed for about 12 hours.
When the alarm clock goes off after, if I'm lucky, 7.5 hours of sleep, I still want to sleep some more. Sometimes I do sleep more, which feels great but... then I get to the office late, have to stay late, don't get home until 7pm and then I'm really tired and still have the required dinner, homework, get ready for the next day things to do. I always have to sit in bed for at least 45 minutes before I fall asleep and by now it's 11pm so there goes the 6am wake up call I wanted to manage.

It's a never ending battle and yes, I've tried all the tricks. I've researched every possible way to feel more energetic at every hour of the day. I've put my alarm clock across the room so I have to get out of bed to hit snooze, I've tried alarms with no snooze, I've eaten nothing before bed, I've eaten weird sleep inducing foods, I've taken sleeping pills, I've taken my meds at different times of the day, I've watched TV, I've not watched TV, I've turned all the lights off, I've left them on, I've worn eye masks and ear plugs... there is nothing that makes me wake up feeling refreshed ---EXCEPT--- about 11-12 hours of sleep.

Seriously, when I get 11-12 hours of sleep I have no trouble getting up, staying up and jumping hoops through the day. I'm bouncy and do everything I can in the those 12 other hours I am awake!
But who the hell gets 11-12 hours of sleep a day... especially someone with a full time job, an 8 year old, an insomniac husband AND a zillion more stresses that I can't even begin to list! 

If I were to split my day into 11 hours sleep, 9.5 hours work, 40 minutes community, 90 minutes for dinner and other household things, I'd have 1.4 hours left in my day too...??? It seems like that would be ample amount of free time except I need about 45 in bed before falling asleep so I'm left with about 35 minutes in my day to go play games with my daughter, talk to my husband, go to the grocery store...

Yeah 11 hours sleep is never going to happen... I am doomed... Never Ending Exhaustion will indeed be Never Ending...

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