Monday, June 10, 2013

Turning 40? Say what?

I turned 40 a few months took me awhile to come to terms with it. Yes, I know it's just a number...blah, blah, blah.
To me it was more. To me it signified a change in mindset. Turning 40 meant I was truly middle aged, if I manage to live the average life expectancy of like 80 or something... if I live to my grandmother's age of 95, then I haven't quite hit middle age yet, but that's unlikely to happen.
Therefore I am officially in the middle of my life.
No, I'm not going to get all morbid about death here...

What I am going to do is discuss what turning 40 truly meant to me, in my head...maybe it's all my convoluted reality but hell this is MY blog so it can be whatever it wants.

1.) I don't feel the need to be 'SKINNY' anymore. Not saying I want to eat a ton of ice cream and chocolate everyday BUT...that over driving urge in my 20's and 30's that made me look around at every single female I encountered and hang my head in disgust because I wasn't rail thin...that feeling is gone. I still want to be more fit, for sure, but size 4 skinny pants are not longer the source of deep depression they once were. I discovered that yes I am 40. I don't look bad for my age, hell I might even pass for 30, I don't need to starve myself and deprive myself of ice cream with my daughter after her soccer game so that I can fit into ridiculously small jeans anymore.
2.) I am a mom. I'm the mother of a darling 8 year old. I'm not out at the bars, living it up, getting drunk so some loser guy can maybe hit on me, be all smarmy sweet cuz he's drunk and have me thinking "Maybe he's the one..."  When I go to the bars and enjoy an evening out, I try new beers, I talk to people I haven't seen in a while, I let my husband make me laugh and it's okay that I'm out with young kids acting like idiots and I no longer need to be part of that scene. Being 40 gives you that edge to be at home in your skin and enjoy it no matter WHERE you go.
3.) I'm 40, I've been around the block, I've seen some stuff, I've had tragedy, divorce, death, financial strain, full time jobs, health issues galore and I'm still here...and I've earned the right to talk about it. I've seen more than most people my age and WAY MORE than people younger than me. Guess what? I know what I'm talking about, I'm going to spout off my wisdom and not really care if people listen or not.
4.) I've had a heart attack, at 38, it sucked...but it also gave me knowledge as to what you can and can't let your body do. When people ask for my help moving, I no longer feel bad telling them no. When people want more than I can give, I apologize profusely and I thank my age and my heart attack for allowing me the insider knowledge that it's okay to say NO sometimes and carry on with your life as you need too.
5.) I am the oldest of 5 children, who are all grown... turning 40, made me realize that, yes I can be a big sister and buy them a drink or two when we go out, hell I can even treat them to dinner sometimes, but I can also let go of the idea that they need my help. They are all adults. They've made their choices in life and I've made mine. I don't agree with them politically and they don't agree with me and guess what- We still love each other and we still laugh together. Most of all, in bad times... we all come together, offer support and warmth to each other. I know they are there and they know I am as well.
6.) I no longer feel the need to make excuses for my own intelligence. I am smart, I've gone far in the world, I will continue to keep striving. I know I am smart and I won't let someone tell me otherwise.
7.) Who I am, is damn okay. I have my quirks, and they are many but there is nothing wrong being me. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I am more introverted than most people, I don't like crowds and I don't like going to parties where I only know the host... and that is just fine. I'm not making excuses for my inward personality, and if other people cannot accept it, well I don't have to listen to them tell me why I should get out more. No thanks, I like staying at home, reading my Kindle.
8.) I like meaningless computer games, it's okay I don't spend everyday honing my intellect. I can play mindless games at lunch and not feel like I'm wasting my time...because really I am wasting my time but who the heck cares, I'm 40, my job sucks sometimes... my games are fun!
9.) I drive a "Mom" car, a midsize SUV. I like it. I love it actually, I love my car. It's roomy, I don't have to squeeze into the front seat or squish my legs all up trying to drive. I don't have to sit next too young punks in their Mustangs, revving their penis extensions, trying to get me to drag race through the suburbs. Nope, I just blast the volume on my Guns n Roses, thank my lucky stars I was born in an age that knew what rock and roll was, and cruise along at 5mph above the speed limit. Although I may sometimes still try to beat them off the line... 
10.) I'm okay with being called Ma'am... mostly.

Turning 40 almost taught me that there are just some things I will never finish, whether they were my life's dreams or just things I wanted to do or even things other people my age did...I won't be doing them... and I'm fine with that.
1.  Running a marathon... matter of fact- ANY kind of running at all.
2.  Staring in a play/movie/tv show
3.  Becoming a body builder
4.  Moving to New York City
5.  Getting a Ph.D... although this is still possible, I've accepted it's not exactly probable...
6.  Finding a cure for Diabetes
7.  Buying my mom a new car
8.  Running for political office
9.  Bench pressing anything...
10. Mastering French Cooking
12. Dancing
13. Being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader
14. Going to college, living in the dorms, having the college experience
15. Having more kids
16. Becoming vegetarian and total carb free

I can find many good things about turning 40, and many things that kind of suck I won't go into the things that suck. I'll just leave you with the thought, that you are truly the only person that can make you who you want to are the only person that can be happy within yourself. Only YOU pave the path and decide which avenues to pursue and which avenues (like my list above) are just simply not worth the effort anymore. Whether you do this at age 40 or another age it's all about YOU!
Take care everyone!

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