Thursday, July 10, 2014

Is it Worth it?

Someone asked me today if it was worth it? At first I thought they were kidding but they weren't. They wanted to know at what point do you stop? 'Stop what,' I thought? I must have had an incredulous look on my face because the person then went on to explain that she thought it was an awful lot of work for me to keep on working, to keep on paying for all the medicines, knowing that they weren't going to save me in the long run, eventually I will be bedridden and eventually I will die.

She wondered if it wouldn't be better if I quit buying all the medications and quit working and just stayed at home with Grace and enjoyed a few great months of life instead of constantly being on a schedule, constantly having to take thirty pills a day, always worrying about my diabetes, wondering if my chest pain was a result of actual chest issues or were they just minor angina attacks... she thought maybe I'd have more fun if I just gave up all the medical stuff, since I was going to die anyway...

I don't have all the answers. I know that I am angry some days, sad other days, bitter even, at the balls I've been thrown. I know that sometimes regret for what I didn't do clouds my horizons. I know that in the face of incurable illness, one must decide whether to keep on fighting or to simply fade into the horizon.

Death is something many people will not talk about. Death is something many people will not even accept. When it is your wife, child, sister, friend, one wants to think of them as not being here. I don't want to think about my baby girl facing life without me and she has no idea how sick I am but there isn't any cure for what ails me.

All I have is today and to me each day is another day to share with Grace how much I love her and how much I want to teach her. I want her to be confident in her decisions about her life and I want her to know she was loved. So if that costs me thousands of dollars every month than yes, it's worth it.

If I cry myself to sleep because of another phone call from my doctor then that's what I'll do. If it takes me longer to get going in the morning because I'm so overcome with exhaustion than that's what I have to do. I don't know if I'll be here next year? I don't know if Grace will understand how much I loved her; that I never wanted to leave her but I also know that I have to keep going for as long as I can. I must give her the memories, love, knowledge and belief in life to keep her warm and strong in her teen and adult years. I know that at nine years old she is old enough to remember me but sometimes I wonder if she will feel the unconditional love I've felt throughout my life? Will I have done enough to give her that?

I had a somewhat disheartening call from my doctor this evening and I'm wrestling with how to handle it. I'm not sure I am strong enough anymore? I keep coming back to my friends question today "Is it worth it?' My inner soul tells me "YES, keep fighting, keep being strong, keep breathing and taking your medicines, and doing what you need to do to be here for Grace." However, there is a part of me that feels damaged, alone and unsure of where to find that power to keep going...

I will go to bed sad tonight but I will wake up tomorrow, happy that it's Friday and I will find it inside me to make it worth it. I will find the strength to get up, take my meds, go to work and come home and do my Friday night things... I hope the tiny, nagging feeling I have that maybe it isn't worth it, will fade away and just be a momentary loss of belief...

As always, Live, Laugh, Love!

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