Thursday, November 20, 2014

Words Fail Me

I'm a writer. I enjoy writing. I feel that I express myself well with words. However, when communicating verbally words often fail me. I am not a great communicator. I enjoy talking, I like listening to people's stories, I like telling mine however, I often stumble on words, I have trouble getting things out, I start sentences and stop them. Talking is difficult for me. Thus, I don't spend much time with others. I don't go out a lot and it usually takes a few beers before I am comfortable opening my mouth.

I have always been this way. As far back as I can remember I hated talking with words... I never felt like I was able to express what I wanted by talking aloud. As I've gotten older and had terrible experiences with verbal and mental abuse from ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands and bosses the difficulty in speaking has grown larger.

I am a well educated woman. I read everyday, I am aware of current events and trends in politics, the media, education, and I even read about silly entertainment news... yet I do not like speaking, I do not like verbal communication...and when I'm talking, even if I seem at ease, my mind is on guard, waiting for the inevitable moment when I stick my foot in my mouth and set off an argument or make a complete ass of myself.

Recent events in my life have caused me a great deal of inner turmoil. Turmoil that I cannot express because I am the only person who seems to be really upset by it. Most people would probably say that since I'm the only person upset by then I am at fault, or I am in the wrong for feeling as I do. However, dismissing some one's feelings because you may not agree with them doesn't make them wrong... and vice versa...

My inner turmoil unfortunately is causing me a great deal of physical and mental pain and I cannot express this because... words fail me. Simply put my heart aches literally and figuratively but I cannot find the right words to say how deeply hurt I am by these recent events. I cannot find the common ground to say that I understand the other parties pain and distress but I am in pain because they have pushed me away from everything I knew. My help has been rebuffed, my care and concern has been ignored, my closeness to the parties involved has been forgotten and literally it feels as though I've been told to back off and stay away except for a few instances when they can control every moment of the situation.

I cannot really say much more about this. My intention is not to hurt any one's feelings or get people angry and again words fail me because my heart is filled up with so many emotions that I cannot get past right now. I know life changes, I know people change and things happen that you cannot control. I am aware of the fact that you can only do so much when you are literally pushed out or when others do not want to let you in... that doesn't make it hurt any less. That doesn't make the change any easier, that doesn't make the situation any better or take away from the fact that you were once so close, you were once there to help with so many things and be a part of something and suddenly it's all taken away...and everything you did, everything you were, every moment you shared is shredded like lunchmeat....

Words fail me today and yesterday. I am sad inside because right now there is literally nothing I can do to make the pain go away. I cannot fathom a life beyond what it once was yet I have nothing else that I can do but let go of that pain, anger, sadness but it's going to take me a long time. It may never completely go away. The right words may never come. Things will be different and people will have to get used to the idea that I am different and maybe I can no longer pretend it doesn't hurt... I cannot smile and get over it easily this time. I will need to work through it in my space, my way, no matter if it's the holiday season or the sunshine of summer... It hurts and it's not going to be easy hurt to heal.

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