Part II is entitled Being a Good Wife- Wait What? by yours truly. I have my own experiences with marriage and divorce and re-marriage. I'm not here to go deeply into marriage and what makes it work or not work, marriage is difficult, it's a life time commitment. However, being re-married for many years now after a brutal divorce I found serious issues with Gerald Rogers. He's considered a motivational speaker and many have found his words soothing and taken them to heart. However, I found his advice to be placating, at best, and a false reflection of what goes on it everyday in life, in a marriage between two people who struggle daily with health and financial issues while trying to raise a child/children.
This is a long post simply because it's in two parts. Be patient and make your own deductions. As always, think with your own intellect and remember we are all just going through life, tumbling down a rabbit hole sometimes without any real destination.
The Wife That Every Man Wants: Tips from a Divorced Man by Gerald Rogers.
Here’s the deal. Marriage is a 2-way covenant. A partnership where both husband AND wife hold EQUAL accountability in making it work, and who both need to commit fully to make it THRIVE…. YOU ARE A TEAM. That team works best when both are whole and strong, and share a vision of what you want to create.
The problem is men are often ignorant as to the real needs of their wife, and MOST WOMEN DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEIR MAN WANTS, and how to be that WOMAN that will INSPIRE THEIR MAN TO RISE and be that KING that she deserves.
This is what that the TRUE MAN wants from his lady…
1. He wants you to LOVE YOURSELF FULLY FIRST… Fall in love with who you are and treat yourself with kindness and respect. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are amazing, just the way you are. When you realize this you are more confident, and NOTHING is SEXIER to a man than a woman who owns her worth, her brilliance, her beauty. The more you love yourself, the more love you will have to give.
2. FILL YOURSELF UP… Stop looking to your man to be the one to ‘make’ you happy. That’s your job, not his. When you are expecting that from him, it drains him, but when you take accountability and FILL YOURSELF with love and joy, you are like a POWERPLANT with ENERGY and LOVE and PASSION that pours into his life. HE WANTS you to be happy, he just doesn’t want to be blamed when you’re not. Find what makes you happy.
3. LOVE YOUR BODY… Look in the mirror and see how amazing and gorgeous you really are. What a gift that body is. Love every inch… just as it is right now! A woman who loves her body takes care of it. She loves to eat well, and she loves to exercise, not to impress anyone else, but because SHE DESERVES TO BE HEALTHY. You take care of that which you love.
Stop being so critical about your body. You aren’t supposed to look like that model on the cover of the magazine… SHE’S FAKE. She’s a photoshopped illusion created by a marketing firm with the purpose of making you feel inadequate about yourself. That’s the only way you’ll buy their stuff. Don’t buy into their lie. Stop comparing yourself with others, your only job is to be the most BEAUTIFUL YOU. Take good care of yourself, and your man will be irresistibly attracted to you.
4. GIVE 100% and EXPECT NOTHING in return. If you want a happy marriage you must be willing to PLAY FULL OUT to create it, regardless of where he is at. Take full accountability for your part. UNMET EXPECTATIONS are the biggest source of unhappiness in marriage, so stop expecting him to be anything but him. When you give without expectation, just watch and see how much is returned.
5. BE GRATEFUL FOR WHO HE IS RIGHT NOW… Focus on what you love about him as he is, and try to overlook the rest. When you do this not only does it make you happier, but you will begin to notice more and more of what you love. You will always find what you are looking for. When you see and acknowledge the greatness in him, it will call forth that part of him who wants to be your king and knight in shining armor.
6. FORGIVE HIM… Over and over again. Face it, he’s made some stupid mistakes. A lot of them. You know that and he does too. Carrying the weight of those mistakes into the future though, not only will keep you from trusting him, but it will keep him from feeling safe to be fully open with you. So wherever you have that secret closet inside your mind where you are storing all those mistakes from all those years, you know, the one you go to whenever he messes up again and keep all the evidence and validation of why you should leave… yeah, that one. Destroy it. Burn the evidence and be free once and for all. Learn from the past and LET IT GO. He deserves to be free from the past and so do you. It’s God’s job to judge him, not yours. The faster you forgive the more fully love will flow.
7. NEVER CRITICISE HIM… Compliment him on what he does right, rather than tear him down for what he does wrong. He WANTS TO PLEASE you, when he does something you appreciate let him know. Stroke him on the back of his neck, and tell him how much you appreciate his efforts and he will be eager to do more. If you criticize him, it will only shut him down and make him hide from you and stop trying. (Seriously, men are so easy to train. Positive Reinforcement. Us guys, we’re kinda’ like seals at sea world… give em’ a treat after they do something you want and they’ll keep doing it…. Don’t tell your husband I told you this.)
8. YOU DON’T OWN HIM. He is free and was meant to be. If you try to control him, put a leash on him, or cage him, it will take away the very thing that makes him a man- that raw masculine sense of control and independence. The more you try to force him or restrict him, the more he will yearn to escape. The more inviting you make yourself, the more you let him be free, the more he will want to stay.
9. GIVE HIM MAN TIME… just like you, he needs time for himself to fill himself up. The man hungers for adventure, and for challenge and for time to brood in his Man cave. You may not understand why he loves to watch sports or violent movies about war, and superheroes, and spies. You don’t have to understand, just let him have that space to be.
10. GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT and choose to CREATE IT… Stop waiting for him to give you what you want, take responsibility for creating it yourself. - ie. If you want to date more, create it… make it easy for him. Give him a list of 10 ideas of what you like to do together on dates, and schedule a night each week for him to take you out, and then gently remind him if needed...
11. SPEAK CLEARLY and OPENLY… He’s NOT a mind-reader. No matter how long you’ve lived together, he still won’t always know what you want. When you are upset, he probably has no idea why. You could be furious with him and he’ll have NO IDEA what he did or said to make you upset. The more clearly you communicate what you want, the more he can give it to you.
12. DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING… don’t jump to conclusions. As intuitive as you are, you don’t always know what he is thinking or feeling. Your judgements are often filtered through your own limiting beliefs. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and choose to believe the best. ‘seek first to understand, and then to be understood.’
13. RESPECT HIM. While a woman yearns to be deeply understood and cherished, the man’s primary need is to be respected. When you have a problem, his first impulse is to FIX IT. This is how he feels important. While criticism and control are his “anti-love” languages and will cause him to feel dis-respected and to shut down, meaningful acknowledgement will make him feel respected and bring him to life and cause him to stand a little taller and be a little better.
14. ENCOURAGE HIM TO LIVE HIS PURPOSE… The man is most alive when he is on a quest for something he feels meaningful. It may take him time to discover what that purpose is, but encourage him along the way, and when he finds it, be his greatest cheerleader.
15. Ok. Here we go… you knew this was coming… ABOUT SEX… for men in a relationship this is not just a desire, it is a core need. It is one of the keys that anchors his soul to yours. Frequent, meaningful Sex is what connects his heart to you and makes him feel at one. Open yourself fully to experience that passionate and connected love, and he will give himself to you. Shut him off, withhold from him, or reject him and it will emasculate him and sever the most important connection to you in his world.
Men and Women seem to be wired opposite with sex. While the woman wants emotional connection first to fully open herself up in physical intimacy, the man wants physical connection first to open up emotionally. This is a good recipe for sexual frustration. I call this, God’s little birth control plan.
This doesn’t mean you give up your needs or sacrifice your desires. Just the opposite. Let him know what turns you on (even if it’s little things like when he does the dishes for you, or when he sits down and just rubs your feet as he listens to you share about your day.) Talk openly about what both of you want with intimacy and work together to create it.
16. in SEX, FOCUS ON YOUR FULFILLMENT first. Guys are pretty simple. Their mechanism is easy to operate and can always be turned on. You on the other hand, have a complex and intricate instrument. Focus on how you are fulfilled and your man will be turned on when he feels he is pleasing you. Create that space where it is safe for in your marriage to be fully open and vulnerable, and even to let the dark side of your passion out. Keep it interesting and exciting, and most of all fun. Through that the deep sacred space that connects you will continue to grow deeper and stronger.
17. LEARN THE UNIQUE COMBINATION to you Man’s heart. Figure out the love languages that he uses to receive and give love. And then, commit daily fill him with that love. The more you give, the more you will receive.
18. FOCUS ON THE LONG-TERM VISION and then TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. Love is like a garden that requires constant watering and constant weeding. You may have let a lot of weeds grow in your garden over time, but stay focused on daily working towards what you want, and inevitably, before long you will have the sweet fruit you have been wanting. You deserve that love, and so does he.
19. NURTURE YOUR LOVE. And renew that commitment to love daily. Keep your heart open to him, and let him own it.
20. And don’t forget to SMILE. It looks good on you.
Being a Good Wife- Wait What?
Is this a joke, seriously "The Wife that Every Man Wants?" These tips make the man sound like he should be king of the jungle and the woman his adoring servant... While I have issue with this article as a whole I’ve picked apart a few parts that stood out.
Let's start with the commentary on SEX... "for men in a relationship this is not just a desire, it is a core need. It is one of the keys that anchors his soul to yours. Frequent, meaningful Sex is what connects his heart to you and makes him feel at one. Open yourself fully to experience that passionate and connected love, and he will give himself to you."
What I read was that I should just give it up whenever he wants, while making sure I get off first. Nothing more than that, no foreplay, no need for him to make an effort, you just worry about YOU and he'll follow along and then he'll be happy because you simply gave him some Sex. I’m sorry it doesn’t that way. Sex is more than appeasing his need for primal urges. While, Rogers does explain that men and women are wired differently, he basically whittles it down to a physical urge for men that they HAVE to have it in order to form an emotional connection to their wives. That is simply not true and it lets men off easy. If you allow this as a woman and give into it just so he will be connected to you, you aren’t going to find satisfaction in the sexual encounter, even if you manage to work yourself to orgasm.
Next I'm expected to create my own dates? "If you want to date more, create it… make it easy for him. Give him a list of 10 ideas of what you like to do together on dates, and schedule a night each week for him to take you out, and then gently remind him if needed..." So I am expected to find out what to do, let him pick it out of a list then schedule it myself and remind him? And as I gently remind him, will I also get points for the nagging he'll say I'm doing? Face it; men do tend to like things to be simple, easy to figure out. So if you pick the date, arrange and then tell him about it, he may like that, but will you? How long will it take before you are tired of arranging everything? Isn’t that what you do all day long with work, carpools, doctor’s appointments, kids homework, grocery shopping, etc…etc…etc…
Next up- let him be free? "He is free and was meant to be. If you try to control him, put a leash on him, or cage him, it will take away the very thing that makes him a man- that raw masculine sense of control and independence. The more you try to force him or restrict him, the more he will yearn to escape. The more inviting you make yourself, the more you let him be free, the more he will want to stay."
This one really gets me, I'm not saying I advocate 'caging' your husband, no of course not but it's up to me to make myself inviting? To let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants because HE has to be free? His animal instincts make him want to be in control and independent? What the hell, am I part of a predatory hunting pack? Again, this makes the wife sound like a passive, adoring servant! There is give and take here; he cannot be allowed to just have a free reign of independence while the wife takes on all responsibility of being an adult. Sometimes life, children, jobs, a home require you to be a little caged, ALL OF US, not just the men, but the women too. We have to give up a little of that independence in order to create a home in which each person flourishes. If as a wife, I give total independence to my husband, if I don’t expect him to carry some of the responsibilities of parenting and life, how long will it be before I am fighting to be free of the cage? Before I am wanting to escape?
Of all of the advice in this article though, the one that most irritates me is this:
"NEVER CRITICISE HIM… Compliment him on what he does right, rather than tear him down for what he does wrong. He WANTS TO PLEASE you, when he does something you appreciate let him know. Stroke him on the back of his neck, and tell him how much you appreciate his efforts and he will be eager to do more. If you criticize him, it will only shut him down and make him hide from you and stop trying. (Seriously, men are so easy to train. Positive Reinforcement. Us guys, we’re kinda’ like seals at sea world… give em’ a treat after they do something you want and they’ll keep doing it…. Don’t tell your husband I told you this.)
NEVER criticize him? I'm not saying walk around and tell him he's doing everything wrong, or be a total biatch to his helping... however, there are times when each partner gets upset with the other, when something is done over and over and it needs to be addressed. There are times in a marriage when each partner has an issue with the other and it should be brought up, to say NEVER criticize him and basically just stroke his ego, while you're also stroking his back, is like saying "You are perfect, honey, you can do no wrong, go ahead forget to take out the garbage again, it’s no big deal, we’re only 4 months behind on garbage pick-up.” It's placating him and then to reinforce that fact while in your head you're 'training' him...saying “he’s a seal, or better yet, Pavlov’s dog, just one more biscuit and he’ll be all mine…” Come on, do YOU think men are that stupid? Do you not think they will realize at some point that you are just feeding the ego to only get your way?
I am not saying that we ALL can't be more giving or understanding because yes we always can. However, the idea that as a wife you need to pacify your husband in order to make him stay happy and married to you is an old-fashioned, 1950's idea. It's an idea whose time is LONG gone and with good reason. Women have every right to expect the same type of love and commitment that they give and they shouldn't feel as if they have to adhere to some form of rules, like the ones above, to get and keep their man's attention.
The only idea I actually agree with above is the fact that YES, you should love yourself; it does make you more attractive, not just to men but to people in general. If you believe in yourself and your intelligence you will succeed at home, work, with friends, family, even your children.
However, the other ideas brought forth here are nothing more than another list of ways in which a woman should succumb to her man, to keep him in her bed. Frankly, if she has to act like this to keep him, he IS NOT worth keeping!